Imaginary Interview with Herman Cain

Lou: Mr. Cain, what a pleasure to have you in our studio today. Have you enjoyed your brief visit to Westcliffe? Cain: It is a lovely town and the pristine vistas of snow-capped mountains are staggering. But, there seems to be a conspicuous absence of brothers in this town. Lou: This is Middle America and primarily a conservative ranching community. Brothers, even liberal ideas are welcome, but we try and stifle anyone clamoring for government programs, except for our farm and ranch subsidies and tax breaks for agricultural enterprises. Cain: I am against all subsidies unless they foster a freer market environment.  Lou: Don’t subsidies impede the free market? Cain: Yes, but as long as they alter the market in America’s favor then they are OK. Lou: Let’s jump to your 9-9-9 plan, which has been the subject of a lot of scrutiny by economists.  Cain: There may be some holes in my plan, but it has launched a serious dialog about the flat-tax concept. The current tax code has been modified more than Obama’s speeches on the economy, and it needs to be simplified so simple people can understand it. Lou: Michele Bachmann has brought to everyone’s attention that the plan turned upside down is 6-6-6, the sign of the Devil. Cain: If Michele Bachmann were turned upside down, she would fit the same description. Lou: If I can be candid, you are labeled as a Black conservative, which some consider an oddity. Princeton Professor Cornel West, an African-American, griped that you need to “get off the symbolic crack pipe” and added that you have “mediocrity, mendacity, mean-spiritedness toward the poor, and now mean-spiritedness toward Black people fighting for their lives in this very ugly economy.”  Cain: Academicians enjoying tenure at an Ivy League school are as far removed from the inner city problems of minorities as most of the crackers in the current administration. Lou: You’re attempting to become the presidential nominee for the Republican Party, which has come to represent reactionary, racist and greedy anti-intellectuals. On top of that challenge, few believe the country will elect consecutive African-American presidents. Cain: I am a mathematician, and if you are playing roulette, the odds of two black numbers coming up consecutively is the same as one black number coming up randomly. As America was ready for a change in 2008, it is ready for a complete renovation in 2012. Racism exists in America, but I am certain good leadership can trump it. Lou: What is your basic plan to lift us out of this economic malaise? Cain: For the last few decades our economy has been built on consumption and not production. Everyone from seniors to students feel they are entitled to take more from the system than they have put in, and they want to live more luxuriously but less expensively. We cannot move forward without growth, and people that want growth from government are just too damn lazy to do things for themselves. If a company is not growing and it’s debt service is increasing exponentially, the result would be obvious. In a world of competing nations, why should the result be any different on a sovereign level than on a corporate level? Lou: Are you totally against government prodding the economy? Cain: Government can do it intelligently. For example, states used to issue bonds to build schools, roads and fund other needed capital improvements. Now states are issuing bonds for operating expenses or patching deficits in pension plans. On a federal level, we continue issuing more debt instruments, which are not used for growth but to kite the debt we’re already accumulated. Lou: Would you run the country in the same manner in which you ran Godfather Pizza? Cain: If I did there would be immediate cost cutting in every government department. There would be scrutiny over every government purchase and every expenditure. Congress would work for minimum wage, and they can kiss their fluffy pensions and health plan good-bye. We would become lean and mean like the Godfather machine. Lou: Why do you think there is a reluctance in America to elect a businessperson as opposed to a career politician. After all, as Calvin Coolidge said,  “the chief business of the American people is business.” Cain: Business people deal in reality—politicians deal in fantasy scenarios. The electorate would rather hear a fairy tale than the truth. Lou: How would you feel about debating President Obama? Cain: If you remember “The Thrilla in Manila,” then this debate would be “The Thrilla without Vanilla.” Lou: Any comments about the “Occupy Wall Street” movement? Cain: Some of the protesters have historical amnesia. The financial industry is steeped in greed and they have operated with unabated arrogance because government regulators have been asleep. The protesters should be camped out at the Capital building or the White House. Lou: I cannot let you leave without mentioning the sexual innuendos and accusations now brought forward by a number of women. Cain: Legally, one is innocent until proven guilty. In politics, one is guilty until proven innocent. A casual remark made at the wrong moment might be taken as a caustic assault. I stand by my innocence. Lou: It has been a pleasure having you here in our studio. I wish you luck in your political endeavors. Cain: It has been a rough but an interesting ride. I noticed your assistant, Joan, keeps glancing at me. Do you suppose she’s busy tonight?

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Tags: Cain in Colorado, Interview with Herman Cain, The Real Herman Cain